Jet To No Where

Help me find out if I am on a Jet To No where…or just on stand by.

Call me….Crazy.

I truly believe that we are an extremely adaptable species. When faced with unavoidable adversity, we rise to the occasion and are capable of much more than we would have ever realized. We, as human beings, are quite good on doing without the material things that we used to think we needed at one point….most people at least.

I have been without a vehicle since January 12, 2009. It wasn’t an easy decision to make….getting rid of my SUV because of financial reasons…but it was necessary. My husband and I went over the math and it just didn’t add up at that time. Since then, I have been essentially trapped inside the house for these past months.

When I had a car, I really never went many places. Doctor’s appointments, grocery store, Jake’s (my 8 year old ) school….things like that. I never thought about it. I would stay at home for a week or more and not go anywhere and not think twice about it. But, without a car, it is a completely different story. I felt trapped. We live in a very rural area of Florida, so there is not even bus or taxi service out here. I was sad, mad, furious at times, depressed…the list goes on according to the different day and mood I was in. I am a very independent person. I do not like to ask for help unless I absolutely have to. I hated asking for rides to the doctor for the kids. Jake was sick at school once and I had to ask my sister-in-law to go get him. She is always more than happy to do it and it was no problem to get him, but the feeling of dependence and helplessness is a horrible feeling for me. That’s the word I was looking for….helplessness.

Helplessness is a feeling unavoidable at times and so very difficult for me. I am a control freak, so I do not do well with this area. I wouldn’t think that most people would either. It’s depressing and somewhat degrading to be at the mercy of others. My sister-in-law only lives but a few houses over, but I just don’t like to ask anyone for help with anything. I like to get things done myself. I am not a team player, never have been and never will be. It’s not that I am mean or rude…I just like things done a certain way and it just goes back to the old cliche….

If you want anything done right, you have to do it yourself. That’s the damn truth whether anyone likes it or not. No one is ever going to live up to how I want something done, so why get aggrovated over it. I would rather work individually. It’s just my character. Am I wrong? Does it make me a bad person for not being a “team player”?

“Do you consider yourself to be a “team player”? That’s such a loaded question when you’re in a job interview too. It sucks. There is no right or wrong answer. If you say no…you are difficult to work with….doesn’t play nice with others. If you say yes….you are incapable of delegating or completely tasks on your own. It’s a catch 22…another old stupid cliche that works here.

So, after months of being so isolated, we were finally able to buy a new/used car. It’s not brand new, but it’s not a piece of shit either. It is exactly what I need and we can afford right now. We bought it this past Saturday and I have been going everywhere I can think of….even just around the block. It surprising how easily I adapted to being without a car…turned isolated and resentful…and full circle to having something back that I truly thought I could live without.

I may not be a team player. I like to work alone. I like having a vehicle at my disposal. I created this blog in order to learn what I have done wrong in my life and how truly bad I make have fucked it up. I am changing my life in a huge way. I want to learn different opinions and experiences from other people, but  I am a control freak….and I have no plans on changing that particular aspect of my personality. I have done a lot of apologizing within the last year or so….a lot to people who did not even deserve it…..nonetheless…. I will not apologize for my controlling personality. I have always been this way….and I like it.

So many people find flaws in their body, personality or character…I happen to be perfectly happy with my control issues. That is one aspect I am not intersted in changing.

Call me crazy….my doctor’s have.

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