“They say depression is a silent killer, but truth be told it’s an ongoing war that goes unheard.”
It was three AM, and yet again she was awake. Not sleeping was more common than sleeping over the past year or more. She wanted to sleep….to lie down on freshly washed sheets in a just made bed and snuggle into a few pillows, but it never seemed to happen that way. Every light would be shut off, the dogs sleeping, the children sleeping….the only sound being the slight hum from the cherry stained ceiling fan above the bed. But, with everything silent, her mind would be screaming.
She would be so frustrated. Watching a good movie, like Casblanca, never helped. Music didn’t so a thing, as neither did a book or magazine. She was in a constant state of awake that was eating away at her. Her eyes would be so blurry from watching the television or surfing on the internet that she could not even make herself out in the bathroom mirror.
It was always the same reason. She never did anything correctly….at least not for him. He was not sociable nor fun to be around. He was constantly worrying about money and criticizing her way of handling it. Nothing was ever good enough and he always told her…sometimes in a passing comment….other times it would be a brutal, nasty berating until she would have to leave the room. He never let her talk or explain anything. He always wanted a “yes” or “no” answer….even though almost all questions are not that cut and dry, if you will. She hated seeing him everyday and dreaded waking up each morning not knowing what would happen….Would she get screamed at again?….Would he be pissed off at nothing to do with her, yet still make it about something she had supposedly done wrong? This had been going on for years, but he was tied into everything in her life….her home, her job, her finances…just about everything. She tried to leave a few times, but he never let her go. It was this strange dysfunctional hold and she always thought she needed him for money….for survival at times too.
He was an unhappy man…..but she was an even more unhappy woman.
Then, one day it stopped. It was an uneventful day. No shouting matches or tip toeing around him…it just stopped. She had enough and just left. She had planned it for months. He never saw it coming and it was just over. She never really knew what he said to anyone about it, but she really didn’t care at that point. She was out….she was completely free from it all.
She laid down on her freshly washed cotton sheets that smelled like clean, crisp linen that night and quietly drifted off into sleep. There were three new pillows surrounding her head that felt like cool whipped cream. She had not slept that wonderfully in a very long time…..But when she woke, she wondered….How long will this last?
It was her boyfriend, her husband, her father, her boss…..
…..or it could have been all of them.