Jet To No Where

Help me find out if I am on a Jet To No where…or just on stand by.

Archive for the category “Children”

Beautiful Day

It was a beautiful day yesterday. The type of day in which one would get in their car and drive for hours without any destination or hesitation. The type of day that would lead one somewhere they would never have gone before and possibly end up in a strange place with no idea how they got there. I drove around on this beautiful day in my little VW convertible with the top down. The car isn’t much to look at, but it’s so much fun to drive because it’s a standard. The power behind driving a standard can only be felt by people who love driving a standard. Running through the gears….controlling how the caramels is exhilarating. With the top down on days like this, it’s perfect.

Things have fallen off the car such as, tail lights, the the front and back VW emblem’s, The interior leather panels and sometimes the trunk won’t pop open, but only the tail lights have been replaced. The back is covered with stickers, someone worn from the weather….others still in pristine condition. All the tires had to of been replaced at one time or another with used tires, as I do not see the need to purchase brand new tires because a used tire is just as good and cheaper. Most of the time the guys at the place I go to don’t even charge me so I just give them a tip …a very large tip because it restores my faith in the fact that they are still good people out in this world. There is one missing hubcap in which I would explain, but it is not relevant to what I am speaking of now. Most importantly, is mechanically sound and it is paid for.

The stereo is broken so I use a Bluetooth speaker with my iTunes on my phone and I listen to music in traffic. When I listen to music I REALLY listen to it. Everyone says they love music. Music has the ability to transcend time and space. It makes you laugh and it makes you cry. It can make you angry or it can make you serene. Today it made me serene. I needed serenity this morning. I needed much more than serenity.

When I speak of listening to music, I mean listening with such an intent that you have no idea what else is going on around you. You cannot hear anyone talking, You cannot hear the cars driving bye…..you can slightly hear the wind blow if you try, but you shouldn’t try to. If you are really listening to the lyrics, the message, the bass line, the drums, the bongos, the combination of everything and how it come together in such harmony…. when you hear something that is so spectacular that he takes you to another level of consciousness…. that is true genius.

I’ve always wanted to go to Jim Morrison’s grave. It’s on my list of things to do before I die. I suppose everyone has a list like this of some sort, but mine has reasoning and intent behind each and every item on that list. Years ago when I told my significant other at the time that I wanted to go there, I also said I wanted to go alone. He was very angry and confused. I tried to explain to him I did not think you could possibly appreciate the experience as much as I would. He just could not understand that and inevitably I had to lie and say we would go together… knowing I would never do that.

This ties into the idea of how much I love to be alone. I love to go to the beach by myself, drive up and down A1A for miles in each direction and just come back home. I have music and time right now and I’m using all of it to the best of my ability….making the most of all of it. One of the best days I had was with my 10-year-old in traffic. He seemed to be a little down that day, but wouldn’t say why. I didn’t push him but instead, I put on run DMC’s, It’s Tricky. My introverted, sweet little boy knew every single word to that song. I had no idea. Sometimes he is an enigma to me because he is so introverted. But on this day we sat in traffic and drove and listened to that song over and over again……singing all the words together and it was beautiful.

Here is the point that I am trying to convey in a very roundabout way:

There is a lot huge difference between being alone and being lonely. I am not lonely at all, but I do love being alone. I love to be alone with my own thoughts, writings, music, children….Anything one would require a friend or significant other to be with to do, I will do alone with ease and without hesitation. It doesn’t bother me to eat in a restaurant alone. I don’t need someone to go out to see a band at a bar alone…..And I will see Jim Morrison’s grave in the next year or so, alone. It is not lonely when you love what you are doing by yourself. Because in the end you will never be happy with anyone else until you are happy being alone.

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Lessons from a Doomed Marriage

https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/relationships/what-i-learned-marrying-first-person-sex/?utm_campaign=AudDev-30FB-Excluded&utm_medium=PaidSocial&utm_source=Facebook

A great read for anyone with questions on why their marriage did not work out….,

I know my reasons, which may be worse.

I have posted this saying before, but still true…

If you Change your Mind….

https://youtu.be/-crgQGdpZR0

My son Jake and I are packing to move and I asked him to get a medium-sized box and this was his response.

“Mom, why can’t we just call them big and small boxes? Just because you didn’t get the specified sizes at U-Haul doesn’t mean we have to call them that.”

He’s 17…. and I’m not trying to brag, but brilliant as well. I had him tested for ADHD on two occasions because he wouldn’t do his homework and his grade level was 16.4. That’s over a bachelors degree. He has a higher degree than I do.

He is a great kid….beats me at chess every time after I only showed him once how to play, and so rational at times…. I forget that he’s only 17. This is where I get into trouble.

I always thought of myself as the parent first and friend second. I am consistently on his ass about doing schoolwork, but just what is it exactly that I can I do? Should I tie him to the computer with only his hands free? How about I tie a shotgun up to the door with a string attached to the chair so when he gets up (he won’t be in harms way) it will blow everything up?

I have no control. Unless I send him to military school, which I won’t do…. he hates liquor, doesn’t smoke cigarettes and hates all man-made drugs. He doesn’t trust things that are not natural. He eats mainly healthy and organic foods, with the exception of a lot of soda as I do not allow any energy drinks…..For the most part he does whatever chore I ask him to do and he watches his little brother, who is almost 10 now every day. So what am I to do ?

Yes there are areas in which he and all of us can improve but I have no recourse to make him finish high school. I have always stated that he had to have a high school diploma in order to do anything in life and while this is true for most instances, I don’t believe he’s going to be mediocre. He’s a skateboarder, I damn fucking good one. He put clips all over social media and gets a fair amount of views for just starting out…. it is his dream and passion.

I’m going to help him pursue that because I know he can do it.

I know a lot of people will wildly disagree with this decision, but if you don’t take chances on what you really want to do with your life….. you will never know if you were able to succeed.

Just remember, Hilary Swank and her mom slept in their car And an abandoned house for months before she made it. It was her mom that took her to pursue that dream. And she won an Oscar…..

Steve Harvey lived in his 1976 Ford Tempo for three years before he made it big. Aside from his little snafu at the Miss America pageant….. he’s doing fucking awesome.

So don’t let anyone ever tell you that your dream is not practical, unattainable or unrealistic.

Because at the end of the day you are the only one that has to look in the mirror and explain to yourself why you sit at a desk from 9 to 5 and hate your job.

https://goo.gl/images/6HgzeX

Fillicide Follow Up….

 

I don’t know if this will mean anything to me. I was angry at Jake before I had this dream. He was being disrespectful earlier in the day, but this still haunts me and I have hugged and kissed him every chance I have had since this dream. I know you cannot control your dreams, but all of this is frightening to me. I only hope I never experience it again.

 

INTERPRETATIONS OF THE DREAM:

http://www.dreambible.com/dreamdictionary/c2.html

Children

To see your real life children in a dream represents ideas, habits, or developments that are being encouraged. Situations or aspects of your life that you want to see powerful or flourish. It may also reflect an aspect of yourself based on the one thing that stands out the most about that child.

If you have more than one child in real life then each child will represent a different aspect of your life based on your most honest feelings about then.

To dream of losing a child represents feelings of being overloaded or stretched beyond your limits. Juggling too much at once or “dropping the ball” with something because you are too involved with something else. Getting so caught up in minor details that you forget what’s most important.

To dream of a child dying represents a loss or unpleasant change to some area of your life that had potential. Positively, a child death may reflect a growing problem that has finally been dealt with.

If you dream of children that you don’t recognize it represents new ideas, or situations that are being encouraged. Something not thought of before. Negatively, it may reflect burdens, responsibilities, or problems that have to be looked after.

Evil children symbolize negative or corrupted aspects of your personality that are being encouraged. It may also point to a bad situation or problem that feels like it’s getting out of control or scares you. Evil children may also reflect childish beliefs or habits that are getting out of hand.

Alternatively, children may reflect aspects of your personality that are playful, young at heart, or childish in intention. You don’t want to be involved with anything serious.

*Please See Son. *Please See Daughter.

Son

To dream of a son that you don’t have represents an emotional investment or hope for the future in a situation where you are dominant, assertive, or insensitive. Determined protective feelings. Doing everything you can to maintain control over a situation. Being stuck with a decision where you have a leading or controlling stake. Deciding to assert yourself or be aggressive and now living with the consequences or responsibility of that decision. A developing masculine aspect of your personality or life.

 To dream of a son you actually have in waking life may represent a situation you hope to see succeed or thrive. If you have more than one son in real life then each son will represent a different aspect of yourself based on your most honest feelings about then. Ask yourself what qualities or feelings stand out the most to you about your son and try to see how that may apply to a situation in waking life.

 Alternatively, dreaming about your son may reflect your waking life relationship with him.

 Evil sons symbolize negative or corrupted aspects of your personality that you are encouraging. It may also point to a bad situation or problem that you are supporting. You may feel that your own aggression or assertiveness has turned on you.

Example: A man dreamed seeing his dead son. In waking life he had lost his eligibility for home insurance, which worried him a lot. The dead son represented the lost home insurance which the man cared about getting back.

Example 2: A man dreamed of seeing his older son as a child. In waking life his was experiencing his son moving out of the house for the first time. The son being little reflected the man’s projection of his son doing something new with his life.

 *Please See Children. *Please See Daughter.

MORE INTERPRETATIONS:

http://www.thecuriousdreamer.com/dreamdictionary/

To dream of killing:

categories: Activities

Killing or wanting to kill often represents a desire for power or control, often based in feelings of powerlessness. Killing someone can mean:

  • You’d like to take power from whomever or whatever that person represents in your real life, perhaps so you can feel less powerless
  • You are angry at them in real life
  • You’re feeling unwilling to deal with the problems or hassles you feel they cause you

Killing someone in self defense can mean you’re feeling attacked somehow (mentally, emotionally, physically) or that you need to defend yourself or stand up for yourself somehow.

Killing someone accidentally can mean you’re afraid you’ll accidentally hurt that person, that something you do may be detrimental to them somehow, or that your subconscious mind is thinking things through to make sure this doesn’t happen.

To dream of attacking someone:

If you dream you are attacking someone (physically or mentally), consider your feeling during the dream:

  • If you are attacking because you are angry at the person, you are probably really angry at them or something related to them
  • If you are attacking to protect yourself against an attack by them, you may feel threatened by that person’s criticism, hostility, ambition, etc. in real life

Fillicide

Marilyn Manson

“Is adult amusement killing our children, or is killing our children amusing adults?”  ―    Marilyn Manson

 

My son was gone.

I was screaming his name over and over, echoing through the vast rooms with high ceilings and shiny old oak crown molding. I was running down every stair case, looking into every room, searching…..scouring what was easily 25 old, Victorian style rooms. I yelled  his name so many times that I was hoarse. My through scratchy and tired, my heart pounding with each gasp.

“Jakob!!!!!”, I cried,……..nothing.  “JAKOB, WHERE ARE YOU???!!!???”, I bellowed down with each step. No response.

I don’t remember why I was looking for him. I know I was angry, but I have no clue as to why. He wasn’t answering me. He knew I hated that. I always told him that if he hears me call his name to never yell, “What?”, back to me. He was to come to where ever I was in the house. I knew he was mad, so that is why he wasn’t answering me and it infuriated me more and more. I was so angry, yet frantic…searching….”Jakob!”……”Jakob!”…..”JAKOB!!!”…..

I found him on the first floor. There must have been five or six staircases that I remember going down. I didn’t recognize the house either. I was a house from a faint childhood memory that I may have been in once when I was a little girl. Jakob was so angry that he would not even look at me.

I kept screaming, “Why didn’t you answer me?”….”What the fuck is wrong with you?!?”…….”I am going to kill you for this one!”…..yet, I don’t know why I was mad or what he had done to set me off so badly.

I had my hands around his throat, tightening my grip while he tried to yell….”Please, mom…..PLEASE MOMMY, DON”T….” I would stop and say, “This is what you get for acting this way!!!!”…..”This is what happens when you don’t answer me!!!!”. He fell to his knees and I stopped. When he started to speak, to ask me what was wrong with me….I started choking him again……”How do you like this?”….”Huh?”…..”Are you happy now?”….”Are you glad you didn’t answer me, that you IGNORED ME???!!!???”.

Then all I heard was a crack. I knew instantly what I had done. My arms fell. They hit the floor like lead. I was sobbing, ….NO…..NO….NO!!!”….What have I done?!?!”….”OH God PLEASE NO!!!!!!!”, I echoed the entire house. Then, his face faded away….. I was holding a screen…I think it was an iPad, cracked with the Apple on the front fading because I knew I had broken it….or him….

I just woke up sobbing. I am inconsolable. Why the fuck would I dream of killing my child? He is my life, my love, my legacy.

We went to IKEA today. It was Jake, Owen, Sami, Jayden, Seth and Jill. We met Robin and Miles, Jake’s best friend, there. It was such a long, exhausting day. If anyone has ever been to an IKEA, especially with one child, let alone five, they know exactly what I am talking about. Jake and Miles were running around the store, getting food in the cafeteria…..just goofing around as usual. He wasn’t especially bad…he was just bored and being 12 with his best friend. Robin had to leave early, so Jake went with them to sleep over Miles’ house. I miss Jake so much when he sleeps out. Sometimes I lie and say something like, “Oh, not tonight honey….we have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.”, just so I have him home. He is my baby.

About two hours after he left the store, he called me. I had his iPod in  my purse, so he wouldn’t lose it while he was running around. He asked me to bring it over to him. I told him I was still here, at IKEA. He was angry. ….”What?”, he said in a disgusted voice. “I thought you would have been home by now.”….. You could tell he was mad. He was huffing and deep signing.

I said, “No, I told you it was going to be a long day and just because you forgot to get it before you left is not my problem…..There is no way I am….NEVERMIND!”,  I screamed. “I don’t have time to argue about this! Too bad!”…and I hung up. It was getting late. I was tired, frustrated with 4 kids and Jill was the same and getting on my nerves as well.

I spoke to Jake earlier, about 8:00 or 9:00 PM to say good night. He was fine…having a good time. We didn’t even mention the iPod discussion. It was long over and forgotten.

I know why I was holding a cracked, broken iPad now. I don’t know why I would ever have dreamt that I would have strangled my son. Truth be told, I wanted to strangle Jill by the end of the night.

I woke up screaming, crying, inconsolable. I wake up this way at least once a week. I have vivid nightmares of semi-real life events. They alway end badly. I sobbed and yelled, “No, no, no, no…” so many times, I cannot count. I was coughing and throwing up. I was still asleep for the most part. After about 3-5 minutes, I started to realize that it wasn’t real….I had dreamt the whole thing. Then, I was truly a wreck because I cannot fathom that nightmare. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I dreamt that I killed my son….and for a reason I cannot remember….not that there would ever even be a reason to kill one’s child.

It was 1:15 AM. I called Jake sobbing. I said I was sorry for waking him and I had a horrible nightmare and needed to hear his voice. He was fine. He said he was still awake…that he couldn’t sleep. I don’t believe that, just because he sounded like I woke him up. He kept telling me to calm down and he was okay. He knows about my nightmares. I calmed down a little. I told him to call me in the morning so I could come and get him as soon as possible. He said okay. I kept telling him over and over that I loved and missed him so much.

I can’t even see the computer screen as I write this. The tears and just running down my face…my voice is scratchy and I feel like I am getting a cold. I didn’t even put my glasses on, so there is probably more than a dozen typos in this story. This true story. I write my dreams down as soon as I wake up or I would never remember the detail. It would never be as raw as it is now. When I go back to sleep and wake up later and come to read this, just as I have done countless times before, I am dumbfounded. I can’t believe some of the things I have dreamt and the sadness or violence of them.

I don’t know what to do with this information….why would I have strangled my son to death in my dream? I am calmer now, but still upset and crying. I love my son so very much is physically hurts at times…..my heart aches.

I guess I will be Goggling dream meanings after this…..or do I even want to know?

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