Jet To No Where

Help me find out if I am on a Jet To No where…or just on stand by.

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Tones and Tinkles and Twinkles vibrated and she heard the most stunning combination of hurt and sorrow and grief and longing and wanting and craving and feverish aching….so hard to concentrate on anything else but tiny nuances and shades of splendor that were adored by so many, yet unappreciated by enough to feel badly…..and she felt alone in a crowded room of friends and family with no familiarity to accompany the wounded soul blackened and scorched from years of asking inside……



was it ever possible to be as superficial as the people surrounding her every single grueling day….days that even the warmest sun had dark clouds engulfing her mind and body and soul. and all that she thought meant nothing and all she yearned for was mistaken for fleeting thoughts of her scattered brain and unfinished projects and fresh schemes, as she never spoke of the meaning of emotion that burst from all the stories and art and music and picture and movies…..

because she knew in the pits of where no one ever lets anyone in…in the deepest abyss that no one ever sees …in minuscule crevices that no one knows exist because she knows no one would have the same infatuation and anticipation for these things she loves so….. she hides….

and because she does hide….in the open….where everyone may see the joy of a day, but never the nightmarish loneliness she feels every evening and late, late night that keeps her awake with sorrow and hatred for all who surround her and care for her and love her and yet no one really knows her soul…and no one ever knows the pain and longing for connections had for fleeting moments in time….that will never be once again….that will never compare to today….

the brightest, sunniest day there ever could be…. starts all over again.


Quote for the Day

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”
~ Henry David Thoreau


I have been lost for some time now….something is coming…..I can feel it…..

Fillicide Follow Up….


I don’t know if this will mean anything to me. I was angry at Jake before I had this dream. He was being disrespectful earlier in the day, but this still haunts me and I have hugged and kissed him every chance I have had since this dream. I know you cannot control your dreams, but all of this is frightening to me. I only hope I never experience it again.




To see your real life children in a dream represents ideas, habits, or developments that are being encouraged. Situations or aspects of your life that you want to see powerful or flourish. It may also reflect an aspect of yourself based on the one thing that stands out the most about that child.

If you have more than one child in real life then each child will represent a different aspect of your life based on your most honest feelings about then.

To dream of losing a child represents feelings of being overloaded or stretched beyond your limits. Juggling too much at once or “dropping the ball” with something because you are too involved with something else. Getting so caught up in minor details that you forget what’s most important.

To dream of a child dying represents a loss or unpleasant change to some area of your life that had potential. Positively, a child death may reflect a growing problem that has finally been dealt with.

If you dream of children that you don’t recognize it represents new ideas, or situations that are being encouraged. Something not thought of before. Negatively, it may reflect burdens, responsibilities, or problems that have to be looked after.

Evil children symbolize negative or corrupted aspects of your personality that are being encouraged. It may also point to a bad situation or problem that feels like it’s getting out of control or scares you. Evil children may also reflect childish beliefs or habits that are getting out of hand.

Alternatively, children may reflect aspects of your personality that are playful, young at heart, or childish in intention. You don’t want to be involved with anything serious.

*Please See Son. *Please See Daughter.


To dream of a son that you don’t have represents an emotional investment or hope for the future in a situation where you are dominant, assertive, or insensitive. Determined protective feelings. Doing everything you can to maintain control over a situation. Being stuck with a decision where you have a leading or controlling stake. Deciding to assert yourself or be aggressive and now living with the consequences or responsibility of that decision. A developing masculine aspect of your personality or life.

 To dream of a son you actually have in waking life may represent a situation you hope to see succeed or thrive. If you have more than one son in real life then each son will represent a different aspect of yourself based on your most honest feelings about then. Ask yourself what qualities or feelings stand out the most to you about your son and try to see how that may apply to a situation in waking life.

 Alternatively, dreaming about your son may reflect your waking life relationship with him.

 Evil sons symbolize negative or corrupted aspects of your personality that you are encouraging. It may also point to a bad situation or problem that you are supporting. You may feel that your own aggression or assertiveness has turned on you.

Example: A man dreamed seeing his dead son. In waking life he had lost his eligibility for home insurance, which worried him a lot. The dead son represented the lost home insurance which the man cared about getting back.

Example 2: A man dreamed of seeing his older son as a child. In waking life his was experiencing his son moving out of the house for the first time. The son being little reflected the man’s projection of his son doing something new with his life.

 *Please See Children. *Please See Daughter.


To dream of killing:

categories: Activities

Killing or wanting to kill often represents a desire for power or control, often based in feelings of powerlessness. Killing someone can mean:

  • You’d like to take power from whomever or whatever that person represents in your real life, perhaps so you can feel less powerless
  • You are angry at them in real life
  • You’re feeling unwilling to deal with the problems or hassles you feel they cause you

Killing someone in self defense can mean you’re feeling attacked somehow (mentally, emotionally, physically) or that you need to defend yourself or stand up for yourself somehow.

Killing someone accidentally can mean you’re afraid you’ll accidentally hurt that person, that something you do may be detrimental to them somehow, or that your subconscious mind is thinking things through to make sure this doesn’t happen.

To dream of attacking someone:

If you dream you are attacking someone (physically or mentally), consider your feeling during the dream:

  • If you are attacking because you are angry at the person, you are probably really angry at them or something related to them
  • If you are attacking to protect yourself against an attack by them, you may feel threatened by that person’s criticism, hostility, ambition, etc. in real life

Tiny Wisdom: It’s OK to Say No

by Lori Deschene:

“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” ~Josh Billings

Sometimes I feel immense pressure to do all kinds of things I don’t want to do. The reality is, I often put this pressure on myself. I think about the things I should do. Or the things I think I should want to do. Or the things other people might expect me to do.

And all this thinking can drain me—before I’ve gotten a chance to do anything. This is basically choosing to create anxiety where there could be peace and joy. It’s wasting precious time, feeling conflicted, restricted, and full of angst.

So today I invite you to join me in remembering it’s OK to say no, and our world won’t fall apart because of it.

It’s OK to say no if you don’t feel moved by an opportunity—no matter how exciting it might sound to someone else. Happiness is a choice, but it’s made up of lots of smaller choices we need to make based on what we actually want.

It’s OK to say no if you’d rather relax than go out—no matter how many other people think you should be social. Only we know when we need to recharge and take care of ourselves, so it’s up to us to recognize and honor that.

It’s OK to say no if you’d need to sacrifice your needs to help someone else—even if a part of you feels a little guilty about it. People are always going to have requests. Sometimes we’ll be able to help; sometimes we won’t. We’re still good people regardless.

It’s OK to say no because you don’t have time—even if you don’t know right in this moment when you’ll be more available. We’re allowed to say no without hinting toward a future yes.

It’s OK to say no without a detailed excuse—even if you feel like you should offer one. “This doesn’t feel right for me right now” is a perfectly valid reason.

Lastly, it’s OK to say no even if you’ve already said yes, if you realize you weren’t being true to yourself. It’s far better to make the right decision late than follow through with the wrong one because you think you should.

Johnny Cash….Hurt

Cigarettes taste funny when you cry….or so I’ve heard……

“I have zero tolerance f…

“I have zero tolerance for zero tolerance”.
~Alexandra C. Vader

Quote of the Day

One of the things cops learn first is that everyone lies. Some people to hide things, some people just for the hell of it, but everyone lies. Assume that everyone is hiding something, it saves time.

LAURELL K. HAMILTON, The Killing Dance

Thought for the Day

“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”
~ Unknown

I am an American and I have papers to prove it. Where are yours?

This was an email sent to me from an acquaintance. My response is what follows.

From: alicia bobulinski <>
Sent: Sun, April 25, 2010 10:51:04 PM
Subject: Show me your papers

Show me Your Papers

What has happened in Arizona is shameful. This is Not American! They have gone too far. We all know that with each new wave of “immigrants” there is almost a sense of “you have to pay your dues”. There is name calling and finger pointing and claims of this group this time will end America as we know it. This has not happened, we are still here we are stronger for having the previous immigrants be a part of us. This is the country of immigrants! Starting with the people who came here from England. The treatment of the Native Americans who were already here is nothing we want to repeat.

This bill 1070 which the Governor signed is but of course “Racial Profiling”, how can it not! This is opening the door to a lot of potential human rights violations and potential violence. In Arizona, are the police going to stop a blue eye blonde hair person, and ask to see their papers? This act of what I can only call blatant racism, is not something that we, the people can just let slide by. We don’t want to go backwards, this is not working towards the good of mankind.

If our government knew that we would have this influx of immigrants coming here, if our government was somehow in part responsible for driving out the people from their homes their countries, forcing them to go where they can find work to merely survive. If our government allowed to have institutions “prisons” built to house entire families, would we not then have a moral responsibility to do what we can to come up with a Fair Comprehensive Immigration Reform, now not later.

I do believe in the people of America, I do believe that most of us are kind people, only wanting to be allowed to work and take care of our families. We deserve to know truth, we deserve to not be led down a road that other countries have shown us to be wrong. What Hitler did was wrong, what Stalin did was wrong, what Idi Amin did was wrong, what the Governor of Arizona has done is wrong. Unlike the latter we in the land of the free and the land of the brave can and must stop this apparent hatred that some are trying to spread. We do not and can not go down a road where a massive amount of people will be hurt. We are much better than that, we do not yet live in the land of fear. If ever there were a time when the peaceful people need to stand up I believe this is the time.

Alicia Fernandez Bobulinski
Director Outreach Programs
Making a Difference Foundation, Inc.

I am an American and I have papers to prove it. Where are yours?

Let’s start with the immigrants from England. They came here willingly and legally. They WANTED to learn our language and we were more than happy to help them. My grandparents immigrated from Italy…..a poor country with no prospects….they came here in the hopes of having a better life. They did, but they did it a completely different way. They wanted to work with us. They wanted to pay taxes and learn the English language. They knew that this was America. The home of the free and the brave….a land of opportunity….NOT the land of come on over and create a sub-culture that prevents many people from doing day to day business.

Go down to Miami in the Latino community and see what has happened. Go to the Orlando Latino community and see the same. It is as if no one cares that this IS a free nation. Free to work, learn the language and pay taxes, just as every other American. When I walked into a Miami drug store to pick up a Western Union one day I could not understand one word anyone was saying. Not one person spoke English and they laughed in my face because I didn’t. They mocked me because I was unable to convey to them what I needed. It wasn’t until one woman took pity on me and translated what I needed. What does that say for all the people who come to America from other countries who “just want to make a living?!?” It spits in the very face of our democratic culture. I would never dream of going over to Germany, demand that they learn English on my behalf with the audacity of crossing the border there illegally.

What part of illegal does no one understand?

It is not The United States’ fault that Mexico is a poor country. It is not The United States’ fault that people keep crossing our borders illegally….we just do not have the man power to stop the insanity of it all. Why does The United States have to be the “bad guy” when all we are doing is asking people to obey the law? Why does The United States feel the need and pressure to assimilate to the latino culture? I would love to go over to Mexico and have the automated phone operator say, “Press Uno for Espanol, Press Dos for English” It will NEVER happen. Why? Because other countries would never dream of changing their entire infrastructure to accommodate people who break the law.

If I break the law, I expect to be help accountable for what I have done. If people immigrant into our country illegally, we make sure they are given food, clothing, shelter, education all on top of changing our entire way of life.

While I do not agree with the decision of the Arizona governor, I do believe that too many legal Americans have sat idelly by, afraid to speak their minds for fear of retaliation from the Latino community. I am sick of sitting by and just keeping my mouth shut because some people will call me a racist or politically incorrect. Quite frankly, I could give a shit. I have worked since I was 15 years old in America and I am tired of seeing the United States of America bend over and take it in the ass. Congress, The Senate, The President and every single governing body in America need to stop allowing the demands of the Latino community dictate the rest of our nation’s way of living.

Everyone who has the desire to better their life had better learn to obey the law. The law is….if you want to live in the land of the free and the brave, you better be prepared to abide by our laws.

The 1st one being to come here legally.

Alex Vader
100% American, Born in Washington D.C.!

And the nominees are……

I would love to say that I have been slacking on blogging due to my chaotic life and busy schedule, but that just is not the case. Truthfully, I have not had any feeling or subject matter that I have felt strongly enough to write about. Yes, this is a sounding board for life’s problems that I have numerous questions to, but right now, I am questioning one thing.


I was raised Roman Catholic, Catholic school for 10 years, church every Sunday until I was a teenager, all the sacraments and ceremonies…the whole schebang. I have questioned why I believe what I was taught for most of my 20’s. I had completely severed any meaningful relationship I may have had with God for almost 10 years. Then I had Jakob. Things changed. I no longer had the luxury of giving up God…I was responsible for the greatest responsibility any person ever gets…a human life. That meant for the rest of my life I would be praying that he was healthy, safe, secure, happy…..any and everything one could ever think of. Is that wrong? I had not had a conversation with “my” God for a long time. Do I just pick up where I left off and say, “Hey, Ummm, I know I was gone for a long time, but I have this person I am raising now andI need to know that he is going to be OK despite anythng I am doing…I need your help, prayers and guidence….so, can we just let bygones be bygones?”

I don’t know if it works that way, but Jake is 8 now and he is healthy, safe, secure, smart, beautiful, kind, empathetic….everything I prayed for and so much more. I just cannot possibly believe that I am the only person (along with Ted, my husband/his father) responsible for all of it. That would be just egotistical. Right?

I stopped writing a few hours ago. Owen went down for a nap and I wanted to just lie down and rest. I was scrolling through all the On Demand movies available. I went back and forth in my head as to which one to rent. So, I picked “Doubt”. Maybe it was a subconscious thing…maybe I just wanted to see if it lived up to the hype….whatever the case…now, in retrospect…it seemed an obvious choice.

It was exactly as if I were back in catholic elementary school again. The nuns apparel may have changed from the setting of the movie until my time in the late 70’s, early 80’s….but it was all the same. The positions of authority the nuns and priests held were to be feared. The old school, drab colors within the walls and lockers…the grey sky and cold Autumn wind…then snow…it was all so very familiar. Mass….exactly as I remembered it to be. I could smell the incense as if it were burning next to me. I have always despised incense to this day. Nuns were scary and priests were to be revered.

Most importantly, it reminded me of why I am questioning my religion right now. It’s the hypocrisy of it all. No matter what you did, back then, you were going to hell. Take the Lord’s name in vain…confess it or you’re going to hell. Missed church…confess it or you’re going to hell. The biggest hypocrisy was to come later in my Catholic school years. The sex issue. No sex before marriage or you’re going to hell. If you did have sex and used birth control….hell.  Sex and getting pregnant and keeping the baby…going to hell and having a bastard child out of wedlock. Sex, getting pregnant, giving the baby up for adoption….hell again. Sex, pregnancy and an abortion…forget it…your were fucked. There was no way to get around any of it.

Sex and teenagers is like peanut butter and jelly…it just goes together…someone is going to try it…and most will like it.

When I was 22 I found out I was pregnant. I was an adult. I took the necessary precautions to prevent pregnancy, but it failed. I was no more fit to raise a child than to keep a house plant alive. I had an abortion. My 1st of 2. I do not regret it, nor do I apologize for it. Yes, I had other options, but what may be right for one woman is not necessarily right for another. It was in the Fall of 1992. At Easter time the following spring, my Catholic guilt got the best of me. I don’t know why…I can’t explain it, but I decided to confess my “sin”. Fortunately, the priest on the other side of the confessional booth said that it was good than I confessed this “grave” sin now, at Paschal Time, as he had the authority to forgive such a sin, otherwise only a Bishop could forgive it. Wow….did I luck out. I was given the standard 10 Our Fathers, 10 Hail Marys and 10 Glory Be’s…you would think I would still be doing the rosary today for such a sin, but no. I didn’t feel any better after that confession…because I didn’t have any guilt to begin with. The Catholic religion had embedded so much “Hell” into me that I had a weak moment of self doubt and thought I had better confess it or I will be in big trouble if I die anytime soon.

Which brings me to the original reason I am questioning so badly right now….I watched Bill Maher’s “Religulous” a few days ago. Hysterical, yes….but also brought up so many valid points as to my beliefs and why I believe them. You have to watch the movie to understand my thinking right now, but now I am at a more serious crossroads.

Is Hollywood now dictating my belief system? Or should I say making me doubt it? What is it about fame and fortune and blockbuster movies that makes one think and over think their lives and beliefs? I could have had the same conversation with anyone of my friends about my questioning the beliefs that had been instilled in me, but not a one of them would have brought up the points that I am seriously pondering. No one I know what have that of it in the way it was presented to me by Hollywood…or more importantly, Mr. Maher. Now, he is famous for his non-conformist ways, questioning organized religion and marriage, but does he alone have a power of suggestion so strongly that I am affected by it? I think so. And I know why.

It not religion or God I am questioning… is organized religion created by men who never ever met Jesus Christ. How do they know what happened? What is all the parables I grew up to believe are a bunch of bullshit? What if Aesop is more accurate than The Old Testament?

I don’t have the answers. Neither did Bill Maher, which is why he made the documentary in the 1st place. All I know is this:

I haven’t prayed to God or Jesus since. I have only prayed with Jakob to my Mother, Aunt Alice, my Grandfather and Great-Grandmother….and anyone else close to me who has passed. I did sneak in a little favor for someone up there to point me in the right direction.

This was all before I watched Doubt.

Now…that’s all I have left….

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