My family and I just moved. We moved from a private duplex that came with an assortment of all kinds of problems (SEE POST “If Momma Ain’t Happy….Ain’t Nobody Happy”) to an absolutely wonderful apartment complex. The place is HUGE! My oldest son, Jake, loves his new room and the fact that he has his own bathroom. There’s a pool, tennis courts, workout room (not that I will be using it or anything), car care center….everything I could ever want. And it’s cheaper than the old duplex.
If you read my previous blog mentioned above, you know why I couldn’t stand it there any longer. While I was moving, many people came up to me asking about the place, as there was a “For Rent” sign in front of it. I told them the truth. There were pros and cons.
No credit check….great for everyone hit hard by this economy. No background check…great for all you criminals out there….not so great for the law abiding part of society. Low deposit…pro. Cheap place that is large…pro. Landlord lives out of state….pro and con. First $200 of repairs is tenant’s responsibility….con. Late fees were astronomical…con. Landlord was understanding at times of financial hardship…pro.
I could list much, much more, but it’s none of these factors trump the neighbors. The people and their children that live in these duplexes are crazy….and I mean calling the police, guns being shot off, domestic violence, stealing my cable and the alcoholic that thought that my duplex was his one night and passed out on my front lawn crazy. You just can’t make this shit up.
So, my sister-in-law decided to “help” a friend of hers by recommending that she take the place, as she and her children have to leave her abusive husband. I tried to explain to my sister-in-law that this was no place for children. I had always told her all of the bullshit that happened at this place, but she just explained that she never really heard of anything bad happening over “here”. WTF? Did she not hear me? Was I speaking a foreign language? If she was such a wonderful friend, why not offer her to stay in her five bedroom three bath house? Sure, my sister-in-law is married with five kids, but who wouldn’t do that for a woman being abused and threatened by their husband?
A few nights ago I received a call from my sister-in-law (let’s call her Angie for now). She was very angry that her friend called to see our old place and the crazy bitch that lives in one of the duplexes (she shows the places for the landlord) said that the landlord didn’t want to rent to anyone that knew my husband and I because we never paid the rent on time and owed over two months rent. Yea. Not true…we were only breaking the lease.
I have never even met this woman who needed a place so badly. Ted, my husband, told Angie not to let her friend use us as a reference, as we were breaking the lease, for the obvious reasons. So, Angie said this to me on the phone: “Now Teddy fucked it up for my friend.” Oh no. She did not just say that. I said what I needed to say about her comment about my husband and that was it. Ted immediately called her and said the same. Done.
The friend got the place. She started moving in yesterday. If Angie was a true friend, she would have told her about all of the bullshit that goes on. But no….instead I see this on Facebook:
“…Is very happy that i could help a friend and her girls out of a life threating situation! They are blessed for the new home they have and they reminded me and all the others how greatful it is to have a roof over your head and away from danger ! I am so truly happy that those girls are safe and happy now! God bless to them and mt god help you in your future journeys! Love Lots”
AND….”Is loving life and we are truly happy and greatful for what we have! we are also very blessed and greatful for what we have and dont take it for granet for what we dont have ! If its not the greatest place to live -be greatful you have roof over your head! If you dont like the food on your table be greatful you have food!”
Great. I copied and pasted both of these paragraphs, so that is exactly her grammar and hers alone. It just really pissed me off. Maybe I am reading too much into it. Maybe I am using Facebook like MySpace…a childish game directed at individual people who want to say things to but just don’t have the balls to say it to their face.
Maybe it’s exactly what I think. Angie is a self-righteous hypocrite who doesn’t care what she says to anyone and her pride is much more important than any family member or friendship. I wrote back to her requesting an apology for her remark about Ted to me and him….I doubt I’ll get one.
My question is this…..Why do adults feel the need to act like children these days? Is it because they feel age creeping up upon them and want so desperately to be young again? Do they want to be “cool ” for their kids?
This may seem like a small family squabble, but it is the culmination of so many remarks by Angie that has reached it’s breaking point.
Or maybe I have reached my breaking point.
I have had many friends…more like acquaintances…come and go throughout the years. All due to life’s circumstances, be it a job change, moving, leaving college…whatever. But there are a lot of people, come to find out, that have family members come and go throughout their lives. And I am talking about the same ones every couple of years.
As I have written before, my family issues are no secret. I don’t get embarrassed by much, as long as it’s the truth. And one person’s version of the truth is not always the same as the other person’s…but that’s not what I am writing about.
I looked for a couple of friends from about ten years ago on Facebook a few days ago. I found them and sent a message, which was returned immediately. A chat started on line, then emails were exchanged and the next thing I knew….we were on the phone like no time had ever passed between us. Our parting ten years ago was not pretty, but that was ten years ago and I figure, who gives a shit anymore….so now we’re talking about getting together on the weekend. We never even mentioned why we didn’t speak for so long…it was just two people catching up.
This morning I was writing my daily quotes on various websites and found myself on Facebook at the same time a family member was. This is an individual that I had talked to everyday, multiple times a day for over seven years. Now, we have spoken about four or so times in the last year and a half. No chat was initiated by either of us. I have tried in the past by email and phone to communicate, but it is obvious that some of my family are still not willing to meet me half way…or any way for that matter. So, I have done what I can. I am not going to beat a dead horse.
So, how is it that two people that were so close and related by blood for the rest of their lives just not speak? I didn’t kill anyone. I have apologized multiple times to many people…many of which didn’t even require or deserve an apology, as they were not involved in the matter. I made huge mistakes, but how long am I going to be held in contempt for them? How could someone just flat out ignore someone they claimed to have loved and still do?
Is pride such an important issue?
Sometimes we have to just let go of things and leave our pride to the wayside. In the grand scheme of things…..I wonder how it will go down?
Maybe this is an example of one of my family members waiting to get into the pearly gates:
God: “I know all that has happened between you and Alex. What is the reason for never forgiving or speaking to her?”
Family Member: “She has made so many mistakes. I just couldn’t be around her any longer. ”
God: “So, was it worth it?”
Family Member: “Yea, God, I am sooo glad I never spoke to her again. “Do I need a ticket or something to get in?”
Ummm….yea…it’s sounds really stupid when it’s laid out there like that doesn’t it? I guess this is what my father will be saying on his deathbed….
“Man, I am sooo glad I stopped talking to my daughter and grandchildren. It fills my heart with such joy that I took my wife’s advice and wrote her off. I have never felt better.”
That’s pride….one of the seven deadly sins.
Another Blog worth reading:
We all think we do it right….we remain calm, collected, make lists and prepare for the “discussion”.
A conversation….a compromise…..what we get is something all together different.
Why is it that no matter how hard someone tries to have a serious discussion about a serious, life altering issue…the other party just wants to bring up shit that is irreverent and doesn’t address the subject? Why is the “past” always dragged into it? It’s called the “past” for a reason. It’s over.
|1.||gone by or elapsed in time: It was a bad time, but it’s all past now.|
|2.||of, having existed in, or having occurred during a time previous to the present; bygone: the past glories of the Incas.|
|3.||gone by just before the present time; just passed: during the past year.|
|4.||ago: six days past.|
|5.||having formerly been or served as; previous; earlier: three past presidents of the club.|
|6.||Grammar. designating a tense, or other verb formation or construction, that refers to events or states in time gone by.|
|7.||the time gone by: He could remember events far back in the past.|
|8.||the history of a person, nation, etc.: our country’s glorious past.|
|9.||what has existed or has happened at some earlier time: Try to forget the past, now that your troubles are over.|
|10.||the events, phenomena, conditions, etc., that characterized an earlier historical period: That hat is something out of the past.|
|11.||an earlier period of a person’s life, career, etc., that is thought to be of a shameful or embarrassing nature: When he left prison, he put his past behind him.|
What’s that on #1???….“It was a bad time, but it’s all past now.”….What about #11?….“When he left prison, he put his past behind him.”
I’ll tell you why the “past” is always a hot button to press. It is used against a person when there is nothing intelligent to contribute. They have no valid point, so they go for the jugular. It’s classic.
When you don’t have a leg to stand on…..you try to take out the opponent’s legs.
Maybe they feel threatened by the subject. Maybe they just don’t want to talk about it. But, if something is bothering someone you love so much you would think that the person would want to help fix it. How anyone can sit and watch their loved one sit and cry and just continue to belittle and make light if the issue is inexplictable to me. It’s borderline sadistic.
|1.||Psychiatry. sexual gratification gained through causing pain or degradation to others. Compare masochism.|
|2.||any enjoyment in being cruel.|
Take a look at #2….“any enjoyment in being cruel”.
When you love someone, you would think that you would do anything within your power to help them or ease their pain, no matter what the cause…especially if you are the cause. It is horrible what we do to each other in the name of love and a fair fight. I have used the past and hurt loved ones in arguements and have had it done to me also. It doesn’t feel good on either end. Particualrly the first. Hurting the one you love just to try and prove your point is not fair….it’s cheating. Every discussion begins with the good intention of working an issue out. No one expects to be hurtful or vindictive, but that is our nature. When threatened, we realiate with a greater vengence. It’s not right, it just happens to be true. Humans have never been able to distinguish themselves from animals in their basic instincts. The protective mother, vengeful lover, or sexual impulses of procreation.
The road to Hell is paved with good intentions……
I watched the movie “The Day the Earth Stood Still” last night. It wasn’t a particularly good movie, but it had a very valid and poigent message.
When faced at the brink or precipce of great destruction is when we finally change.
My husband and I were at that brink a few years ago. We decided it would be best to live apart and try to work it out. We made arrangements to see apartments for him, as I wanted to be sure it was a good place for the kids to be when they went over to their father’s. We found one just a few blocks from the house we were in. It was close, in the price range and had lots of room. An old Italian lady came down from her home a few doors down…she owned the apartment building. She showed it to us and it seemed just perfect. She asked if it was just for us. We explained what we were doing.
She was looking at us as if we were insane.”So”, she said, “you’re a gonna a live a apart and a try to a work it a out? What is a the a sense in a that? You a younger a generation don’t a realize what a you are a doing.” We laughed a little, thanked her and said we would be in touch.
I had a lot to think about on that short drive home. I guess my husband did the same. We didn’t fight that night, but talked….really talked without being mean and hurtful. He never did take the apartment and we worked it out. It was at the precipce of that moment that we realized the impact of our decision. That woman talked us out of renting her apartment. I think that was her intention all along.
It took me longer than normally to write this, as I didn’t know how to put into words how strongly these feeling are for me. I am guiltly of being hurt and guilty of administering the pain as well.
It is when we are at the brink of a breakdown that we finally realize what we need to do. I feel as if I am slowly walking toward the precipce of something huge. I don’t know if I will change what I need to…..
or just jump.
~Thomas Alva Edison
Is it possible to tell someone how unhappy you are in a nice way? How do you say to someone you love,”Umm, I have been trying to talk to you for a while now and you haven’t been particularly receptive and I am just at the end of my rope, so if something doesn’t change soon….I’m done.”
I know there are much better ways of phrasing it, but you understand the general concept, right? How do you make someone realize that you are feeling so frustrated, helpless or whatever the case may be, without it turning into WW III?
So many people keep their feelings bottled up inside. They have coined the phrase “bottled up” for a reason. The bottle eventually explodes.
No one wants to explode. It’s not something you plan for…not an occurrence that is well thought out….it is a final exercise in fruition. You can’t possible try talking to someone about an issue that is bothering you for so long…have no compromise and not eventually irrupt. Telling someone you love that the situation you are in is hurting you is hard. It makes you feel weak and makes them feel either empathic or powerful. The first being the best choice. Unfortunately, too often than not, some people like to have all the power in a relationship. They like the control and feelings of superiority. I am a control freak, so feeling helpless is the worst feeling I could ever go through.
People have to realize that relationships, marriages and friendships are a series of compromises. If one partner is not willing to compromise than it is not a true bond, in a sense. If you love someone enough, you have to be willing to do anything and everything within your power to make the relationship work.
Unfortunately, I have learned this the hard way a few times. Most of the time it has worked out for the better, but some have gone to a point of no return.
I have always believed that it’s good to cry, be angry, feel manipulated or betrayed by someone. It shows that you still care.
It’s when the tears stop and the anger fades that is makes me worry. These are signs of not caring…and when you stop caring, it is ten times worse than any hurt. It means you have given up.
I am starting to give up…..